Excerpt: Blogs from the Basement

42. Or Something Like That.

Posted by L. Cipher (06-07-06, 7:48 AM)

Okay. So I’m back, freshly out of the shower – still dripping, in fact, since apparently putting dirty towels back on the rack is the thing to do out here – and with a fresh pot of coffee by my side.
I told you folks – though from what I see on the “Liked” listing, its so far mostly people who already are “in the know,” but hey, a demon can dream, right? – that I’d start telling you the real dirt today. And while people have this fixation with calling me the Father of Lies, I try to keep my word. I think they’ve got me mixed up with that Baal Zebub guy. Or maybe it was Pazuzu. Damned Mesopotamian deities, they get all mixed up in my head. Anyway. Where was I?
Oh, right. The beginning of everything. Simple. There didn’t used to be anything. Then one day, God got bored, said “Let there be light!” and you know the rest. That’s fairly accurate. So far as I know, anyway; after all, I wasn’t there either, you know.
Yeah, maybe that should be the first thing to note. Us angels didn’t come along until the eighth day. He made light, the world the fish and birds and animals, and you guys. Then He took a break. I guess he figured he deserved it – creating universes must be hard work – but the talk is it didn’t pan out so well. Fish were jumping out of the oceans, some of the birds wanted to run around on the earth, half the mammals were too busy stargazing and dreaming of flight to remember to forage… Complete disaster.
When He got up on the eighth day and saw the chaos, He said “Well, damn. I guess I’d better start hiring.” Then remembered that nothing He’d created was exactly ready to be Employee-of-the-Month material, so He made us. Hundreds of thousands of us, and every single one had a job. My job? Be the sun.
Yeah, I started out as the sun. Terrible gig, let me tell you. Days off? None. Union breaks? Only when Usiel – that’s the angel He put in charge of the moon – felt like swinging his orbit over in front of me. Then I could take a quick breather. And boring. “Yeah, so I want you to revolve around the Earth, taking 320 days to do it. In the daytime, blaze hard. At night, reflect off of Usiel over there.”
Yeah. Apparently God didn’t quite grasp that it’d always be daytime somewhere when He came up with this stuff.
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