Archive for the 'Living Conditions' Category


Respect the Work

Do the people in your life respect your work? Do you?

When you’re trying to write, or paint, or whatever your chosen creative outlet is, how do you make the folks around you understand that it’s important and you need to do it, to be left alone and not questioned while you do it? Do you do that? Is doing that selfish, or necessary? Do you feel bad about it when you speak up or lock yourself away?

Having a lot of those thoughts lately. I know there’s a lot going on, a lot of responsibilities to fulfill, but in my mind, trying to write, trying to create is just as important as sorting out the move or dragging furniture around. Maybe moreso, because it helps me push my illnesses – mental and physical – aside, at least a little bit. Plus, it’s pretty much the only thing I can do that might generate any form of income on my part at this point.

What does everyone else think?


Moving Day

Yesterday, the move began. Had to move, as Salem was getting too expensive, the lady of the house’s commute was too exhausting, all the doctors I need are too far out, and our neighbors suck with their habits of blowing pot smoke under their door and into ours (or out their bedroom window, where it drifts directly into ours) and bioweapons grade insect infestations that crawl up from downstairs. Living in an upstairs apartment for a gimp like me was also massively unpleasant.

I wore myself out, because as is my penchant, I said “fuck it, I’m gonna get shit done” and pushed myself well past my breaking point. Still isn’t even close to done. I got all the dishes moved. Which is a greater accomplishment than you might think (there were roughly 10 boxes of dishes, all fairly large and slightly overpacked, which had to be lugged downstairs, tied into a truckbed, transported 30 miles and then unloaded in a rainstorm), but still not that great. I set the bed up. I got internet turned on. Hooray.

In the process of all that, I got a call from one of my doctors, saying the words I’ve been arguing with 6 doctors over for nearly a year and informing me of the appointment where it will be marked on official documentation, so perhaps my employer will quit stalling and actually pay me (and my lawyer will have the paperwork he wants to send to SSI.) “It is not safe for you to return to work. We’ll see you Friday for your documentation.”

I’m torn on that. On the one hand, it’s somewhat of a relief; it means that maybe I can finally help pay some rent, catch up the credit cards that are maxed and delinquent, that sort of thing. It means there’s hope for at least some income trickling in soon. On the other hand, it probably means my employer’s going to let me go once they pay it (since at this time it appears unlikely I’ll be going back any time soon, surgery or no), which means no insurance (which is already on the verge of cancellation as it is.)

It also feels like a punch to the gut. I’m one of those weirdos who actually wants to work. I liked my job. I’d rather be doing it, and working to the next tier position. Maybe one day I can go back, but it’s likely I’d be starting from the bottom again. That’s assuming I can get my surgery, survive the refractory period, and have significant quality of life increases from it after the six month recovery time expires.  Lots of ifs, there.

Anyway. My brain’s up in the air. Trying to figure out how I’m going to get my computer, PS4 and television to the new house (let alone the furniture.) The rain and driving a Ford Ranger (small cab, short bed) makes moving electronics an exciting proposition. But I’ll figure it out. Hopefully. I’m still trying to do a post a day (doing this at the old house, since I haven’t yet dismantled my “writing corner”) and pretend I actually do stuff with social media, but I don’t know if I’ll be able to keep that up over the next week. I’ll do my best.

Hope everyone out there is well.

KA Spiral no signature



I do believe in spooks!


As Halloween looms (alongside Dia de los Muertos, All Saint’s Day, Samhain, etc, etc, etc) it’s the right season to talk about this sort of thing, I think.

So, do you believe in spooks? Goblins? Vampires? All things supernatural, ephemeral, paranormal and/or as yet unexplained?

I do. People mock me for it, or write it off as my mental illness working overtime, but I still think there’s… something, anyway, out there.

I call ’em spooks, because it’s a handy catch-all term – and includes things that are/were human beings or our friends before becoming metabolically-challenged, things that aren’t human and never were, things that were human and became something… else, and giant friggin’ question marks – but whatever you want to call ’em, I think it’s a genuine possibility.

I’m also a severe skeptic, which might seem like a contradiction. I’m not one of those people who thinks every time there’s a little circle in a picture that it must be a sign that great-grandma is watching. I don’t tag every shadow as an extraplanar entity that means me harm. I don’t think every nightmare is a warning or attack from things beyond the grave. I just believe it’s possible that some of those things might be possible.

That means I tend to hate both hardheaded “science-minded” folks who state it to be categorically impossible and the nutters who think everything is true and shout it to the heavens. I want more middle of the road folks, from both camps, to sit down and talk about it. I want some actual research. I think scientists could afford to have just a little credulity and poke the bear, and most “ghost hunters” could be more willing to accept the possibility that they aren’t seeing what they think they are.

I also sometimes hope that I’m wrong, that there are no such things as spooks of any flavor, and they eventually prove it’s all infrasound, pareidolia, and schizophrenia. It’d be kind of a relief, even if it takes the magic out of it all. It’s honestly more comforting to acknowledge my crazy is the source of the problem, and not that my swords, dolls, windows and walls are harboring things that want to hurt me.

What about the rest of you? Do you believe in spooks? Why or why not? Have some paranormal experiences of your own you want to share? Do you want it to be true? Let us know down below!

KA Spiral no signature


A guide to handling anxiety — ontheedgeofeverything

Struggling with some anxiety? So are others, and they have some tips to share. Check it out! (Comments disabled here, please visit the original post.)

Allow me to put this simply: anxiety sucks. It sucks a lot, actually. And as much as it sucks, it’s equally debilitating, making it pretty challenging to deal with at times. I have Generalized Anxiety Disorder, and I’ve been dealing with anxiety since I was in high school. I’m certainly not an expert when it […]

via A guide to handling anxiety — ontheedgeofeverything


What Are Your Favorites?

It’s been an unpleasant week. I’m trying to focus on happier things. So here’s a few of my favorite things, that no one asked for.

Salem's LotFavorite Book: ‘Salem’s Lot by Stephen King. I adore this book. I reread it at least once a year. It wasn’t my first exposure to King (I think it was Cujo, but it’s been over thirty years, so I no longer remember) but it was his first work that grabbed me by the throat and made me hunker down close to listen to him. The way the town itself is a major character, the description of the Marsten House, the musings that perhaps everything horrible that happens to the town and its residents as a result of Barlow’s arrival was both warranted and preordained… mmm. Love it so much.

Favorite Movie: Empire Records. This movie empire recordsis life. Aside from having Renee Zellweger looking adorable, the performances from everyone are great, it’s funny as hell, everyone is relatable in some way (even the characters you don’t like, like Corey.) It doesn’t hurt that it has a goddamn amazing soundtrack, either.


alice cooperFavorite Album: Classicks by Alice Cooper. You get “Poison,” “School’s Out,” “Stolen Prayer” and more. What’s not to like? Cooper is god.we're not worthyt



metal gearFavorite Video Game: Metal Gear Solid 3. Great and suitably weird story, amazing graphics for it’s time that still look damn good (especially on the Vita or PS3 versions), voice acting that burns into your brain, damn-near perfect gameplay. I can play this game over and over again and love it more every time.

What are some of your favorites? Is there something I should know about some of mine? Let me know down below!

KA Spiral no signature


A little chat…

It’s apparently World Mental Health day. It wasn’t an intentional thing that I ended up doing this today – I found out what “day” it was as I was scrolling through Twitter while waiting for my computer to update so I could do the video I was planning on doing two days ago.

I was live on Twitch for about an hour earlier today, talking about a few things. There’s some meandering regarding the vape ban and general irritation, but the main crux of it is about mental health, and specifically how mine has led me to suicidal actions and self harm in the past.

It’s probably not a “fun” watch, but if you’re interested, here it is.

Watch What’s going on? from KaineAndrews on

Going to go crawl back into my hole, now. Or punch people in Yakuza. Haven’t decided which. Hopefully you’re doing something to take care of your own mental health today, or checking in with someone else who needs it. Keep your brains working, folks.

If you’d like to help with my surgery fund and help keep my mental health at least slightly more stable, it’s appreciated; you can find the GoFundMe right here.

KA Spiral no signature


Nothing To Report, Sir

I spent the morning being poked and prodded and made to lift many boxes and drag many more, to test my grip strength and to do toe-touches and squats.

It was not a pleasurable experience.

At the end of said experience, I was informed that, despite having to stop and use an aspirator many times during these exercises, that despite the large glob of lung tissue that was spat into a trash can, that despite the fainting spells, dizziness, and the migraine I got, that despite my heart rate being in the 130s and my oxygen dropping below 90% multiple times, that it matters more that I was able to do the things I was asked.

Lesson learned; they don’t care if you kill yourself doing a thing, so long as you do the thing.

The video isn’t coming today; I can’t talk and looking at the screen is making the one eye that can still see at the moment about to bleed, even with night-mode on. Hopefully tomorrow.

So, since I’m apparently still going to be arguing with people over the definition of disabled and will not likely be collecting any form of compensation this month, I’m still on the e-begging train; if you think you can help, please stop by my Patreon or consider dropping a dime in the bucket on my GoFundMe for my surgery fund. It’d help a lot. If you can’t, I understand; no worries. But nothing ventured, nothing gained, or so they say.

Hope everyone out there is having a better day than I am. Take care.


Show your support

Adopt an Artist

Take pity, and eternal gratitude will be yours; helps keep this site running and the words flowing.

PayPal Donate Button


Follow Insomniac Nightmares on