Insomniac Nightmares: Fang Bangers

Excerpt from Interview of Conrad Sorenson, 12/05/2011, 4:28 A.M.

Interviewing officer: Detective Neil Gaines

D.G.: You’re in some seriously deep shit, you understand that, Conrad?

C.S.: Yeah, I’m in some fucking deep shit. You think I don’t know that? Jesus.

(Recorder’s note: Suspect begins pacing and exhibiting numerous signs of anxiety)

D.G.: Why don’t you sit down. Tell me about it. Explain why we found you the way we did.

C.S.: Because I fucking ran, dipshit. You see that shit go down, you don’t stick around and wait for the sequel, you know? I mean, he left and all but I knew that sonofabitch was coming back. I saw him, man. He knows I saw him.

D.G.: Right. The mysterious stranger.

C.S.: The goddamn vampire!

(Recorder’s note: Suspect returns to his chair, covers his face. Remains silent for several minutes.)

D.G.: Right. The vampire. The one that nobody else saw, who supposedly turned your girl and her friends into puree before departing, leaving you as the only survivor.

C.S.: Yeah.

D.G.: So, if this ‘vampire’ allegedly murdered Kristin Borne, Silas Melbourne, Andrea Kruse and Shannon Danvers, would you explain why their blood was all over your coat when you were found? Why their blood was found on your teeth and in the pile of puke you left in the back of Officer Woods’ cruiser?

C.S.: Of course their blood was all over me! He went friggin’ Mixmaster on them in there! You saw the room!

D.G.: Uh huh. And the blood you consumed? I’m sure there’s a logical reason for that, too, right?

C.S.: Jesus. It’s a fucking vamp club! Of course I had their blood in me! Check what’s left of them, you’ll find mine! Ain’t no big deal!

D.G.: Sure. As a matter of fact, we are checking on that, and we’ll see what turns up. But humor me for a minute, Conrad. You say it’s a vampire club, then say ‘Hey, man, it wasn’t me, it was the vampire!’ Then you turn around and admit to engaging in vampiric activities. So tell me, who should we be looking for, here? There were three hundred other people in that club tonight, you’re telling me it could have been any one of them?

C.S.: No. None of them. I’d never seen this guy before. Wasn’t one of the usual freaks.

D.G.: Freaks, huh? Real nice, talking about your friends that way.

C.S.: Shit, man. They’re not my friends; look, chicks are way too into this whole vampire thing. You bite a bitch once or twice, spout of some weird obsessive crap, wear all black? You’re in. They get off on it. Doesn’t mean they’re not a bunch of freaks.

D.G.: I see. But you still know most of them?

C.S.: Yes. You need to keep tabs, know who belongs to who, who’s got the hep — or worse — who likes to start shit, which coven’s fighting with who… it’s like fucking high school all over again.

D.G.: Coven?

C.S.: It’s like… oh, I dunno. The little clubs Suzy joins because Barbie wouldn’t let her hang with the cool kids, then Ronnie gets mad because Suzy steals her man so she starts her own gang. You know. Cliques. Circle jerks. Whatever.

D.G.: I see. And were you a part of these covens?

C.S.: No. No. I told you, I was just there for the chicks, I didn’t play their stupid games.

D.G.: I see. What about your friends? Think they had… coven affiliation? Maybe that had something to do with it?

C.S.: Fuck, I dunno; Silas used to hang with the Ravens, but they don’t have any beef with anybody. Andrea and Kristin were Poe’s Legion, but only the Byrons had shit going with them, and the Byrons weren’t there last night.

D.G.: Tell you what, Conrad. I’m going to leave you in here for a little bit. Here’s a notepad. Fresh coffee. Smokes, if you want them. I want you to sit down and write it all down, from the time you got to the club last night to us picking you up. Then I want you to write down all these coven names, and anyone you know that had interactions with you or your friends. When you’re done, maybe we’ll talk about it some more.

C.S.: Man, are you nuts? That could take all fucking day! I want my phone call, I want my lawyer! I need to get out of here before dark!

D.G.: What, scared of the vampires?

C.S.: Hell yes!

D.G.: Write fast, then.

(Recorder’s note: Detective Gaines leaves the room. After several minutes, suspect begins writing.)


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